(warning: the following online exhibition deals with themes of mental health - (self harm and suicide) and may be triggering. Please follow links to mental health services if such feelings should occur. Take care, Ethan )
[past pain] Dear Self
Chapter I - Pain
My teenage years are all a bit of a blur, I remember events clearly but it's the timeline I have issues with. During my last year at school, I would show up for the first period, then get a leave slip to do 'work' at home. When what I really did was sit in my room watching movies or staring at the walls.
This went on for some time, to the point where the only times I left my room was for food and to take a shit.
Weeks went by not leaving the house. My depression had taken full control of me. I was alien to myself, friends and family. I self harmed daily and dream't of ways to die. Regrettably attempting at different times. I hated myself for who I knew I was.
According to my friends at school, I was in a cult. They couldn’t seem to understand why any religion wouldn’t celebrate Christmas or birthdays. But presents! They’d say. You get no presents!
My reply would always be the same. I get presents from my Nan in January. This seemed to satisfy them.
I believe I had a relatively normal childhood being raised a Jehovah's Witness, I don’t feel like I missed out on much. It wasn’t till I was older that I realized how different I felt. At first I ignored and buried my feelings, like most others do. I was never told I was wrong or that I wasn't going to make it to paradise if I acted on how I felt towards men. It wasn’t said but it was clear that being openly gay and dating wasn’t an option If you wanted to remain close to god and follow him; it was a sacrifice you chose to make. To do the best you can to remain celibate.
I could get my head around this. Pray and lean on god and he will help you. I tried but it felt like each time I went to lean, he would take a step back.
My biggest headache was it’s the act that is a sin. So I asked ‘could I have a life with someone if we never had sex’? My answer was to run away from temptation. To be fair we would obviously be tempted.
But I didn’t want to run away from it, because running away from just sex wasn’t the issue. I would also be running away from love. From the chance of experiencing a real connection with someone else, someone who I would do anything for. If God is love why does my love not count.
With help I went to the doctors. I attended counselling, and I took the many different medications I needed, focusing on my steps to get me through the day. I began leaving the house and forming a friendship that would help me grow.
I learnt to let go of my anger, I realized I was hurting myself more by holding onto this deep resentment.
So I let him go. A decision I will never regret.
In the end, for all the pain and confusion of being a witness caused me, the constant feeling I was letting everyone down. I hold no grudges for the way I was raised. For without it I would not have learnt the biggest lesson. You don’t need religion to have good morals. Good morals are universal.
Extract from my teen age diary
Chapter II - Begin again
I investigate queer theory, through an erotic based art form that celebrates sex and the human body and it's evolution in the LGBT+ community. Drawing upon volunteers, both those who sit for me and those that send images of themselves.
A drawing based practice, using biro ink to document, that shines a torch on how we view queer sex and the contrast it has in the LGBT+ community, towards how sex and relationships have evolved. One example being how more common it is now for gay couples to explore having open relationships, experimenting with sex and the role it plays in relationships.
Whilst also looking into what ‘queer’ is and how it can thrive within working class communities.
Whilst the above open bio is correct in describing what it is I have been investigating / researching, It is lacking in reason to why I started this.
This all began as a cathartic method to express my desires for intimacy. Porn was my window into sex, and the world it circulates. I wanted to try everything and nothing. I wanted, hard core fetish. I wanted slow and caring. I wanted to be both slave and master.
So I began drawing these brave men. I would watch for hours not just to get off, but out of serious interest. Were they enjoying it? Did they're family and friends know they did this?
I later decided to make an account online under a different name and start posting my drawings.
Was I the only one who liked this or was I alone? I was definitely not alone. Soon my following grew and my account became more popular. To the point where people were asking to be drawn in compromising positions. I was both enthralled and shocked that people wanted me to do this for them. I never took payment. It was just fun for me to do. The reaction of love they would give me for drawing them was enough.
Then I met Oliver. My first boyfriend. He helped me explore and grow in so many ways. Turned out I wasn’t as familiar with a lot of queer stuff as I thought. Oliver first introduced me to his friends Benjamin and Bean, who run a performance art specific studio. They and others have a space where artists would come, live and perform their work. My first performance, the walls were covered in word extracts and a woman walked out into the room naked and began to read with a melodic voice. It was magical. From then we became regular audience members.
It was here I met so many wonderful like minded people. I learnt and talked so openly on sex, politics, life and what queer is in this day and age. My world opened and I dived straight in. To me, queer conveys both an orientation and a grand sense of community.
(In 2019, I took part in a Pride exhibition at Performance Space, showcasing my erotic art.)
QUEER EROTIC ART
Chapter III - A message to my mum
Hey mum, so this might be a long one. I started this project with living words, an organisation that helps people with dementia, but are doing a separate project for the NHS around people who have come close to ending it all and hearing their stories about why they stayed etc.
I had my first session last night and I wasn't nervous to talk about it, not until I was face to face in the moment. I started from what I could remember and went from there.. and I realized whilst talking that I had a hard time remembering everything, because I'm not that person anymore, I mean It's been over 6 years at least and I can say honestly I’m in such a better place, and that's mainly down to you.
Every time I came close to leaving, you were the constant thought in my head, how much I would hurt you. and I just couldn't do that to you. You helped me so much, more than I think you know.
I can't begin to imagine how hard dealing/ worrying about me must have been. but I just need to tell you if I haven't already, you are my rock. My saint of a mum, I look up to you and love you so much. If I ever have kids one day, you're my shining example of the kind of strong loving parent I want to be. I love you so much and thank you for everything you have done and everything you continue to do xxx I know this might be a bit much out of the blue but i just needed to say something xxxxxx
Diane
Chapter IV- Dear self
Dear self,
Hi, this letter is for you to read whenever you feel down, about yourself or your life circumstances. We tend to beat ourselves up sometimes, feeling like we should be doing something else more important in life or worthwhile. Or maybe you're not at your best mentally again.
In either case, it’s important to remember. It will be okay. If you have learnt anything so far in life it’s that life is one up and down the whirlwind of a ride. Just because things may not be good now does not mean they won’t be. Remember to be patient.
Remember where you have been and how far you have come. You are alive. You got out there and joined a community that welcomed and listened to you so openly it made you cry. You have a best friend who you love and loves you in return. She's amazing, don’t forget that.
Remember how you let your walls down and opened up, you let something out but took so much more in. You have learnt and will continue to learn. It's okay to be comfortable, I know we can't seem to deal with too much, but don’t let that stop you from trying new things. It was from trying new things that helped you grow your art and find a sense of calm.
Remember to love fully, and never take for granted the man by your side.
Please remember to enjoy the small things. We have already seen how slowing down and taking in moments, wherever they may happen, is the most rewarding and beautiful thing. But most of all, remember to love yourself.
Keep going. Never stop. Breathe.
You x
